Wednesday, January 20, 2016

That Day

I want to say, first, how much I appreciate everyone that read my last post and all of the support and encouragement that we have received thus far. It really does mean so much to us and it makes this whole process a little easier knowing that we have that support from the people we love and care about. 

Thank you. Thank you.


I will never forget that day.

The day we found out that having our own children wasn't going to come easy to us. It was January of last year. 

Let me back up a little.

Jeff and I had been married for 6 years and although having children was always in our plan, we had just been going along with life. We were content, I guess.

Of course, I had always hoped and prayed that the day would come for us.

But it never did.

In the later months of 2013, we had learned that there may have been a possibility of us moving back home or at least closer with Jeff's job with DNR.

We had seriously talked about it. We hated to sell our home and leave all of our friends that had become like family to us in Rock Hill.

But home was where family was and we both knew that our parents weren't getting any younger. And my mom started having some health issues. I knew that I needed to be closer to her.

It was a hard decision for us. Jeff kept saying that he didn't want to "start over" in life at almost 30 but that it needed to be done. I was trying to help my mom and care for her from 2 hours away. So we decided it was best that we make the move.

Looking back, I am positive that the Lord had his hands in that move. I was able to keep my job because I work from home 99% of the time. What a blessing. Our house sold in 5 days on the market. And we were able to quickly find a rental here for the time being.

 I told Jeff the last night that we spent in our house sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor, that everything happens for a reason. I also told him that it would be good for me to be near my mama.
Boy, was she happy. She told everybody that "her baby" was coming home! :)

We moved in June of 2014. We got settled and took on a new life, so to speak. I joined a CrossFit box and life was pretty good. Jeff was getting used to a new territory and I was able to drive and see mama several times a week. We had some good times together. And it was nice seeing family more often and catching up with friends.

Come January, we started talking about trying to see why we had not conceived yet. We knew we needed to move forward with this. Looking back, it's something that we should have been concerned about earlier on.

I need to stop here and say that I asked Jeff's permission before writing this. I was skeptical about  sharing this but this is part of our story.

Anyway, I scheduled an appointment with my OB doctor and went in for my check-up. We talked about my concerns and we decided that I needed a physical and lab work done, to start. In the meantime, my OB doctor mentioned that Jeff needed to have some testing done as well.

We're all adults here... so you can imagine Jeff's face when I took the paperwork home with me. It gave clear direction on where he needed to go and what the testing would consist of... complete with step by step instructions.

I still giggle when I think about his reaction. If you know Jeff, you know that he is straight as an arrow. So you can imagine his reaction. But he went along with it. Of course, he had some jokes. #30yearoldkid

Fast forward to a couple weeks later, I had done my physical with my family doctor and had every blood test you could think of. Jeff had done his procedure and they had been sent to my doctor. I was on my way to my appointment that day to get all of the results. I talked to my mama the whole way there. I told her how nervous I was. And like she always did, she comforted me and told me "It will be okay. The Lord will take care of you."

I felt like I waited half a day for my doctor to come in. I know it was just the nerves.

My doctor came in and he sat on the exam table while I sat in a chair. He proceeded to tell me that all of my lab work looked fine, all of my exams checked out okay and he didn't see any issues. I was so relieved! I thought to myself, that maybe it's just timing.

He then said to me "Let's talk about your husband."

And my stomach sank just like that and I knew from the look on his face that he was concerned.

He told me that the test came back null because there was nothing to test. Meaning there were no sperm. He handed me the paper and I just looked at it, clueless as to what I was reading. I just stared at the paper.

He said that this happens sometimes but those tests were rarely wrong.

He said that he could refer Jeff to the best urologist in the upstate. And I sat there in complete disbelief.  Still barely hearing what he was saying.

"Do you want me to call your husband and tell him?", he asked.

I didn't know what to say.

I immediately thought about Jeff. I completely forgot about my feelings and wondered how Jeff would take this. I hurt for him in that moment. I wanted him to be there at that moment so I could hug his neck and tell him that we'd work through this.

And that I still loved him no matter what.

No matter what.

I decided to let Dr. Fox call him because I knew that I'd be a basket case. At this moment, I was still sitting there stone cold. Not knowing what to think or how to feel. Staring into space. Hurting.

I dialed up the number and handed the phone over when Jeff answered. Dr. Fox proceeded to tell him the test results and that he would refer him to a urologist. He mentioned that there were procedures that could be done to try and fix this.

And then he handed the phone back to me.

"I love you.", I said. "I'll call you when I get in the car."

He replied with "Ok.". I could hear the disappointment and frustration in his voice. And my heart broke again.

Dr. Fox gave me some pamphlets on the PREG group. And I went to his nurses office and waited on them to refer me to them so they could call me with an appointment. All I wanted to do was run out of there.

When I was done, I walked out into a waiting room full of pregnant women and newborn babies. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was hurt and mad. And the thing is, I hurt for Jeff more than myself. I kept thinking about what I would say to him. What do you say to a man at that time?

When I got to the car, I called Jeff and held it together as much as I could. We talked briefly because he was on his way to work. I told him I loved him. I asked him what was on his mind. He just said "We'll talk when I get home.", in a very short way. Tears filled my eyes and we hung up.

I was still sitting in the parking lot and I called my mama. We cried together.

Just like always, she comforted me.

"They can do something about this Dana. Just pray about it. And be there for Jeff. God will take care of ya'll."

I remember that conversation like it was yesterday.

I miss her so much.

I drove home that afternoon and don't remember much of the drive.

I remember praying. And asking for guidance. And praying for Jeff. And not knowing what to say to him.

But even in all of my heartache, I knew that we would be okay.

It is because of Him, we always are.

Much love, Dana

Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Beginning

Well, here I am again.

I have so much to say and I have no idea where to start.
I have missed blogging and while I certainly do not consider myself a writer, I really enjoy it. I like being able to put my thoughts into words. I blogged about a year or so ago, before my Mama got sick. Just like everything else, it took a back seat so that I could help care for her. I wouldn't trade that time I had with her for anything in the world. I miss her terribly everyday and what I wouldn't give for her to be here during this time of my life. 
I know that over the next few months and possibly years, I am going to need somewhere to pour my heart out...
I am humbly excited to say that Jeff and I are in the process of becoming licensed foster parents. When I read that sentence, my heart feels like it may burst. But it also makes me nervous as all get out. Our hope is that we will  adopt from the foster program here in our state.
We are in the middle of the process and the plan is to be completely finished by the end of March (insert wide-eyed emoji here). While, so far, it's been surprisingly simple for us, I know that our world is getting ready to change. And I am totally okay with that. :)
So, welcome to my blog! Where I'll share our experience along with the ups and downs of foster care. I can assure you there will be tears and laughter and some sadness too. I can't tell you how much I wish my Mama were here for me to call and talk to about all of this.  We all know, sometimes... you just need to talk to your Mama. :) Deep down, I know that she's keeping up with us and smiling down.
I plan to start from the beginning and share how we got to this point and why we felt like foster-to-adopt was the right choice for us.
Thanks so much for reading. I'll be back soon!
Much love, Dana